Sick Jokes
Warning: This Page contain Adult Content !

 

Q: What's blonde, had six legs and runs through Michael Jacksons dreams?
A: Hanson.

 

: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the dumpster.


Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle ?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.


Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows




Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mum.


Q: How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed

 

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"


Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

 

Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could get laid too

 

 

 

Things only a Mother can Teach

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... then you'll see what it's like"

 

 

Sexual Confessional

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.

''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''

''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''

''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''

''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?''

''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face!''

 

Lick The Dognuts

Two guys were walking down the street and saw a dog licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Whoa! Check that out, I wish I could do that!"
The other guy raises his eyebrows and says, "Go ahead dude, but if I were you, I'd pet him first!"

 

 

 

Hair Cut Mystery

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

Mad Cow - Restaurant order

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."